


to me, with me, from me

by moriphyte



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Gen, Physical Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2016-02-29
Packaged: 2018-05-09 02:37:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5522306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moriphyte/pseuds/moriphyte
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“learning to love me is learning to love<br/>that which has happened<br/>to me with me and from me”<br/>-Accept, <a href="http://jamieoliveira.tumblr.com/">Jamie Oliveira</a></p><p>Terezi tries to protect herself like she didn't before and John tries to learn how to do this thing called kismesissitude</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Terezi asks a favor of John

When you open your eyes the first thing you see is the pink purple and blue of the Land of Pyramids and Neon  
You sit up, feeling the cold sand against the skin of your fingers and the heat radiating from the pink stone pyramids in the distance  
Why are you on Roxy's planet? Is this a memory?  
You look around and a figure stands out to you against the flashing lights  
They walk towards you and as they become visible in the dark shadows of the pyramid you are met with the face of Terezi Pyrope  
She looks just as she did the last time you saw her, covered in teal and purple with a hole in her chest that is still dripping blood down her shirt. She is without her red scarf blindfold, as she gave it to you before she died, and you can see her eyes, wide and intent through the blood and bruises on her face. They're striking in a way that makes you go completely still, unmoving  
She offers you a hand and after a moment you take it  
She pulls you up with minimal effort, grip unsurprisingly strong  
When she lets go of you you see that your hand is smudged with teal and purple just like hers  
And then her figure blurs and breaks and you step back, eyes widening  
The crystals moves and fit and form again and a different Terezi stands in front of you  
Her eyes are milky white now where such brightness used to be  
She's wearing clean clothes and little red boots that look like they're supposed to be dragon heads  
That's kinda cute  
You look down at your hand to see that it's still smudged with teal and purple  
She smiles at you but it's not the same as the one you're used to, it's more mild, almost tired, it's the smile of someone who's done everything they can  
"If you're wondering what you're doing here, and I'm sure you are, I will tell you, do you know who I am?" She asks  
You give her an 'are you fucking kidding me?' look, "Terezi I've known you for like three years, of course I know who you are"  
She laughs and again it's different than the laugh you know, it's quieter and more even, but it seems genuine  
She grins at you, "I mean do you know which Terezi I am? Duh dur" and she punctuates that last part with a stupid face that involves her sticking out her tongue and rolling her eyes, which is weird when she doesn't have any pupils  
You sigh in exasperation, differences in expressions of happiness aside she's still Terezi, it's almost relieving in a weird way  
She has stopped making a stupid face and is now looking at you expectantly, eyebrows raised  
"You're the Terezi from my timeline" you say and she gives you a grin that is a little more like her, all chubby cheeks and nearly closed eyes and of course her set of sharp white teeth  
It's a terrifying smile, like right out of a shitty alien horror movie, but somehow it's still endearing  
"Correct! Maybe you're not as dumb as you look, Egbert" she says  
You roll your eyes, "yeah yeah I'm dumb whatever can we get to the part where we talk about why I'm here?"  
She ignores the second part of your question and responds to the first with pretty convincing earnestness, "I never said you were dumb, just that you look dumb" she says and she grins again, this one small and more the kind that's meant to hold back a laugh  
You hope she doesn't laugh, it is by far one of the most obnoxious sounds you have ever heard and just thinking about it makes you cringe  
"and what part of me could possibly be considered to look 'dumb'? It makes no sense, I'm obviously incredibly attractive" you say, giving her what you must think is a grin  
You're not as bothered by her bullshit antics anymore, it's more fun to just go along with it  
She laughs and bites her lip, pretending to ponder for a moment, and then looks back at you with a casual expression, "nah, I think Karkat's ass has you beat by a considerably large margin"  
"What? Now fucking way what the hell who decides this?" you say, throwing your hands up in the air causing pale pink sand to grow up around your feet  
Why are you doing this, this is supposed to be serious right? It sounded serious when she first greeted you, but you're kind of having fun, in a weird way that you don't really understand and really don't know if you want to  
You drop your hands and the sand settles back on the ground at your feet  
She throws out her hands in a shrug, "sorry Egbert, every part of that boy is adorable, even his butt, you can't compete with-"  
"That Vantass" you finish  
She looks at you and her eyes go wide, "did you seriously just say that?"  
You laugh and shrug, "I thought it was funny"  
"That was so bad I kind of want to cry" she says  
"Good, do that, I would like to see that" you say  
She flips you off and you return the gesture  
And then you're staring at each other in silence  
"So are you ever going to tell me why I look dumb?" You ask, breaking the heavy silence  
She looks up contemplatively, "well, you're hair is an erectable mess, you're stupid glasses are lame, and you're smile is so buck toothed and genuine that it kind of makes me sick from cuteness"  
Wait, what?  
"Did you just call me cute?" You ask  
She shrugs, "yeah, the combination of your various dopey physical attributes combines into a product that has been deemed by me to be pretty fucking adorable" she says matter of factly, like her word is law, which you suppose it is in some way  
"Well...thanks I guess" you say, trying to ignore the distinct feeling of your cheeks heating up  
She grins, "you know it, Egbert"  
"So uh...are we just going to sit around talking about how cute I am all day or are you going to actually tell me why I'm here?" You ask  
She stops grinning, "yeah, I guess I should do that" she says, her posture straightening and her milky white eyes focusing on yours, "I need you to go back through my memories again"  
"Wait, why? I already went through your memories, it worked, everyone in the new timeline is preparing to actually get shit done" you say  
She nods, "well that is certainly good to hear but this is not about that. This is about your relationship with Terezi, the one of the black nature"  
Your cheeks heat up and you hate that she must know that they did  
"Wait, but you're Terezi" you say  
She rolls her eyes, "I mean the Terezi from the new timeline, the one we gave a new life"  
"Oh, well what does that have to do with me?" You ask  
"Like I said, it's about your budding black relationship with her" she says  
Your cheeks heat even more, "I told you that's not a thing, just because Karkat thinks so doesn't mean it is"  
"You say that but Karkat does tend to be correct in judgment when it comes to romantic matters, except for his own of course, and in this case I believe that he may be right" she says  
You groan, "fine I don't know, it's weird and I don't understand it and I kind of don't want to okay"  
"You will understand, but first you need to know what you're getting into" she says  
"What?" You ask, some new hesitation in your voice  
She takes a breath and sighs and she almost looks sad again, or just tired  
She looks up at you, "she's never known hate, I have, and I need to make sure she doesn't end up the same way that I did"  
"Wait, really? With who?"  
"His name is...was Gamzee" she says and there is something you can't place in her voice  
You try to put a face to the name but you're drawing a blank  
"So...you guys are together?"  
"Were"  
"Oh, sorry"  
"No, don't be, it was for the best. We had a fight but I guess we didn't actually break up, not that I didn't want to" she says  
"Wait, what?" You ask  
"Well I attacked him but I backed down and then he attacked me but he saved me from falling into the lava so neither of us really wanted the other to die. For a while there I really thought he was going to actually kill me though"  
"How is that not breaking up?" You ask, incredulousness clear in your voice  
"I told you, we attacked each other but we didn't kill each other, it was just a fight" she says  
You look at her for a solid five seconds with complete incredulousness on your face, "so...you were going to break up with him, but you decided not to...when he didn't kill you"  
She shrugs, "yeah, I guess. I mean I don't know, I didn't decide not to, he sort of decided for me and then we died so it doesn't really matter now"  
"That's fucked up" you say  
She looks at the ground, "yeah, I know"  
"So I'm assuming that this fight, as you call it, is the reason for why you crash landed onto LOPAN covered in multiple people's blood and looking like you just got run over the a train" you say  
She bites her lip in thought with her sharp little teeth and you wonder how that doesn't hurt  
"It wasn't that bad..." she says  
"Terezi if you hadn't died from the stab wound in your chest in pretty sure you would have died from like internal bleeding or some shit" you say  
She shakes her head, "no, you don't know him, he wouldn't kill me...that would be too easy"  
You stare at her for a moment and you suddenly don't understand fucking anything "that is so fucked up"  
"I know"  
"So like, why did you attack him?" You ask  
She stiffens a bit, "I don't know, I-I wanted him to feel the way he made me feel, I guess I just wanted him to see what he was doing to me and maybe he would stop or just...I wanted to get away from him but I couldn't. I don't know it was stupid"  
"So why did you back down?" You ask  
She sighs, "he-he asked me to please stop...he said...he said I was hurting him" she says and it sounds like it was pretty painful to get out  
"But wasn't that what you wanted to do?" You ask  
She shakes her head, "I thought I did but...when he said that I just, I couldn't do it. I couldn't do that to him, what he did to me"  
"Oh, so what happened? What did he do to you?"  
She smiles tiredly, "that and anything else you need to know will be in the memories"  
"So why am I going through your memories again? I don't think you ever gave me an actual reason" you ask  
She takes a breath again and gives you a look that looks more like her, strong and determined if not a little worn down, "I died to give myself a new life, to rewrite all of my mistakes, I can't let her go through what I did"  
"Oh, so I just...go through the memories then?" You ask  
She nods, "yes, go through the memories and learn about this so you won't do the same. Also....that you...won't think too badly of me"  
You nod, "okay, how do I get to the first one"  
She tips her head to a place behind you and you turn around to see the sky of LOPAN starting to blur and change, distorting the pink purple and blue  
You look back at her with wide eyes, "you will pass from this dream bubble into the first memory and from then on you will continue to pass through the memories until you have done so with all of them" she says  
The blur in the sky is getting larger and closer and you turn to her, "will I see you again?" You ask  
"Even I can't see that, but if you do find your way back here, I will be waiting"  
"Okay, I'll try" you say and you turn to go but she stops you with "and John...good luck, not that you'll need it"  
You smile at her, "because we make our own luck, and I'm about to prove it"  
She grins in understanding and then you turn from her and look into the growing passage to the next dream bubble  
You don't know what you're in for but you're going to find out, for her. Because as obnoxious and ridiculous as she is, Terezi is your friend, in a weird way, and you would do anything for your friends


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theres some gross macking, some drunk puking, and something that's just not right

You step through the liquid matter of the dream bubble and for a moment everything is silent  
You can hear only your heart beating in the heavy darkness in between and then you're pushed through the matter into more darkness  
You've never physically passed through a dream bubble before and looking down at yourself you feel as if you should be dripping with something liquid but all you see is the momentary presence of a black sticky substance pooling at your feet and stretching from behind you.  
The substance shatters and falls back to the ground as little shards of crystal at your feet that seem to slowly break down until they are nothing and then you are left standing alone in what looks to be a long dark hallway  
From down the hallway to your left is darkness and to your right is a faint glow and muffled voices  
You quickly look around for somewhere to hide but as there is nothing else in the hallway you are forced to just hold your breath and step into the darkness against the wall as Terezi and Dave round the corner of the hallway  
They're talking and laughing loudly, pushing and hip checking each other into the walls and giggling about something stupid  
Terezi pulls Dave to a stop right in front of where you stand  
She grins up at him and he actually sort of smiles back at her, both still laughing  
"This is so incredibly gay I kind of want to throw up" Dave says but he doesn't protest when her small hands take hold both of his  
She grins up at him, "then I like incredibly gay"  
He laughs nervously, "shit Tez, this is weird"  
She laughs, "good, we're both weird"  
"Is this going to work?" He asks  
She pauses for a second and you can't see the details of her expression but you think she almost looks guilty  
She smiles again then, "we'll make it work, cool kid, don't worry so much"  
He smiles a little, put at ease and she jumps to throw her arms around his neck, pressing her lips to his  
He stumbles back but holds onto her  
The kiss was no more than a peck and they're both laughing into it now but you still look away  
Seeing your best friend being all gross with Terezi isn't exactly what you expected when you came here and you feel like you're intruding on something private  
They're interrupted by the sound of glass breaking and something falling from down the hall  
"Oooh noooes I fald falded fell, oops"  
Dave groans  
Terezi pats his cheeks and wraps her arms around him, hugging him tight She rests her chin on his chest so she can look up at him, "go take care of your sister, I'll see you later for coffee okay"  
He nods, "okay but you better not skip out on coffee, I'm gonna need it after this"  
She laughs and lets go of him, "I would never"  
He smiles and then he's turning and jogging back down the hallway  
Distantly you hear "Rose what the fuck? Why do you feel the need to do this. Fuck come one you're going to bed" and after a pause "no I am not fucking doing that and neither are you" another pause "oh my god Rose come on please I can't do this shit today"  
You hear puking and Dave groans, "aw Rose come on, not on the cape"  
"it's fine just come one" and then the sounds slowly disappear as they presumably walk into one of the bedrooms  
After that Terezi stops smiling and turns away from the direction that Dave just walked in, taking small guidless steps while looking at the ground  
She presses her side into the wall and spins around so her head bonks back against the wall  
She crosses her legs at her ankles and wraps her arms around herself, sighing and closing her eyes, pressing her fingers into the skin of her arms  
Down the hallway in the opposite direction of the light there's a sound like metal hitting something solid and she jumps, head immediately turning in the direction of the sound  
After a moment of silence so thick you feel like you're breathing in liquid you can hear the beat of footsteps and a figure becomes visible down the hallway  
The figure is tall and gangly limbed with long wavy horns and a mess of hair  
He moves slowly like molasses  
Terezi quickly turns back to look at the ground and keeps her eyes there, hunching her shoulders and hugging herself tighter  
As he approaches Terezi she stiffens but keeps her eyes locked on the floor  
Now that he is close enough you can see that the figure is a boy. It's difficult to make out his face in the darkness but you see the distinct look of a poorly healed broken nose and three long scars stretching across his face  
He stops in front of Terezi and she finally looks up, locking her blind eyes with his in a way that you know to be pretty fucking intimidating, but it doesn't seem to faze him  
The boy, who must be Gamzee, is now leaning over Terezi with a hand pressed to the wall behind her head  
She's pressed back against the wall just by proximity but she appears to be standing her ground, glaring up at him with her whole body tense  
"Hey baby girl" he drawls and his words sound like molasses as well  
She glares at him but doesn't say anything  
"Aw, now why you bein like that? Just wanted to see how my favorite little hate mate was doing" he says, moving to put his hand on her cheek  
She pulls away, "I don't want to do this shit anymore and don't insult me by actually trying to tell me you give a fuck about me"  
"Oh sister sister of course I give a fuck about you, you're my little spade" he says, grinning  
"No I'm not and I'm not fucking doing this anymore okay, I'm done" she snaps  
"Well why the motherfuck not, sis? I thought we had an agreement"  
"Fuck our agreement, that shit was mostly for you anyway I just went along with it because it benefit me too and I didn't want you to get killed but I can't do this anymore, Dave..."  
"This about that motherfucker" he says, "baby girl he ain't no shit"  
"Yes he is" she cuts in  
Gamzee shakes his head and smiles all sickly sweet at her, "not to me, I'll give you more than that weak ass motherfucker ever could, you're mine baby girl" he says, pressing one long bony knuckled finger under her chin to push her head up  
She jerks away and glares at him, her mouth curling into a snarl  
"Don't fucking touch me, and I'm not your baby girl" she snaps, keeping her eyes on his  
He feigns hurt and pouts his lip, "aw now why would you go and be saying something like that?" he asks  
He grabs the front of her shirt, slamming her back against the wall and leaning in close, "of course you are"  
She growls and struggles, "let go of me Gamzee I'm serious I'm not doing this shit right now"  
He lets his head lull to the side and makes a face of confusion  
"You're not doin this shit right now? What, me?" He leans closer to her and she visibly recoils in disgust at their proximity, "oh baby girl you don't got no choice" and then he's pressing his lips to hers  
She makes a noise of protest and struggles a bit but doesn't pull away  
After a gross minute of watching a hate makeout which is something you don't think you ever wanted to do, Terezi finally seems to remember her earlier statement and tries to pull away  
Gamzee however is not having it and he persists in kissing her  
She struggles but he continues to ignore her  
Finally she jerks back and shoves him away from her, punctuating it with a kick to his lower abdomen  
He curses and stumbles back, arms wrapped around his stomach  
He looks up at her, anger twisting his scarred face in a way that sends fear through your whole body. You can see understanding of the anger in her blind eyes but she doesn't budge, she doesn't show fear, she just looks at him and holds back a laugh  
"What the motherfuck was that" he demands, looking up at her with a snarl pulling at his lips  
She breaths out a laugh and holds her hands out palms up, "I told you I wasn't in the mood" she says  
Somehow this makes you more comfortable with the situation. Before it seemed uncomfortably dominated by Gamzee but seeing Terezi being her same, stubborn ass self reassures you  
That reassurance is quickly shattered as you watch his eyes fill with with rage and then he has grabbed her by the hair and pushed her face first to the ground  
She lands with a shocked little cry, just barely catching herself before her face hits the ground  
You know that kismesissitude involves some physical fighting but this doesn't seem right, it's too one sided, too defensive. It's making you uneasy  
She glares up at him with confusion, like this isn't normal  
"What the fuck Gamz-" she starts but he cuts her off with a kick to the side of her head  
She lands hard on her side and you see her elbow scrape on the dirty concrete floor as she just barely keeps her head from hitting the ground  
She looks up at him in disbelief  
"You in the mood now, baby girl?" He asks, grinning down at her  
Now it's definitely confusion on her face, "I-"  
He laughs in a way that makes you feel sick and regards her with mild disgust, like a piece of trash in need of crushing  
"Fuck it, your little ass ain't worth this shit" he says, turning and walking back down the hallway  
"Wait..." She starts but she trails off and looks back down at the ground  
Only when his figure disappears does she finally move, pushing herself up so that she's on her knees  
She's looking blankly forward, sightless eyes fixed on the ground and moves her hand to the elbow she cut in the fall, pressing her fingers to it  
She winces slightly when she does and moves her hand to her head, more slowly this time  
She touches her fingers to her head and when she pulls them back they are slicked with teal blood that is only now beginning to drip down onto her forehead  
She looks sightlessly at her blood slicked fingers and licks them lightly to get a look at what she's seeing  
Her lips come back smudged with teal and she has something like disbelief on her face  
Wiping her hand off on her shirt she shakes her head and stands but she must not realize how dizzy the kick to the head made her because she stumbles a little before steadying herself and walking back down the hallway  
From your place in the hallway you hear another voice address her that you think is Kanaya, "oh Terezi what happened?"  
Terezi laughs, "I just fell down the stairs, kind of hard for me to "see" in this dark"  
Kanaya laughs lightly, "yes, Dave and I were actually discussing the same thing not long ago and we reached the conclusion that I, with my epidermal phosphoresce, should be deemed the official escort to all parts of the meteor"  
Terezi laughs again, "well with me not having visual site I will especially need your services"  
"Yes well I am always happy to help"  
You hear Dave from farther away, "I finally got Rose in bed and she passed the fuck out"  
"Yes well that is certainly good" Kanaya says and there seems to be more strain in her voice  
"Any of you want some coffee, I have a fucking headache" he says  
"I could use some" Terezi says  
"And we should get you cleaned up" says Kanaya  
"Oh yeah what the fuck happened?" Dave asks over the sound of what must be the coffee machine starting up  
There's a noticeable hesitation before Kanaya cuts in helpfully, "she fell down the stairs, it seems as if our theory about my serving as a walking talking flashlight is on the right track"  
Dave laughs, "damn TZ that's awesome, thanks for provin our theory right, we have put much time and minimal effort into this idea"  
Terezi laughs, "of course it's awesome, all that I do is awesome simply by the fact that it is a thing that is done by me"  
There's a sound that you guess is a high five and Kanaya cuts in again, "so shall we make some coffee and clean you up, Terezi?"  
You don't hear their answers, just the hum of words you can't make out and then you can't hear them at all as they presumably walk farther away to one of the rooms  
When you turn back to look down the hallway you see that everything is warping like oil on asphalt and you realize that your time in this bubble is up  
You walk to the end of the hallway again and allow yourself to be absorbed by the wall of the bubble. You hope the rest of these memories aren't as unsettling as this one  
But of course, you're wrong  
You're very wrong


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terezi gets bruises and scratches and painful words all from two people who are supposed to care about her and John doesn't understand why

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Each chapter gets more violent and I just want to warn everyone about that, this is the first of those chapters and from here it will get worse but I promise I don't go into any gore, my stomach can't handle reading that let alone writing it

You stumble out of the dream bubble and again dry off in a strange sort of crystallization  
When you lift your head you find yourself to be in the same hallway as before  
Shit, did you do something wrong?But as your eyes adjust to the darkness you see that you aren't in the same hallway. You are definitely on the meteor but this hallway is much darker and the silence is so thick it's hard to breathe, it must be deeper into the lab  
As your eyes adjust you make out the shape of a little figure sitting on the concrete, back against the wall  
When you see the red dragon cape you know it must be Terezi  
She's hugging her knees to her chest and her face is buried in her arms which look to be bare and bruised even in the dark  
There's a noise from down the hallway, that same sound of metal hitting concrete as before, and she looks up from her arms. She looks down the hallway as you do to see the same tall figure as before making his way towards you  
She turns her head away and rests it on her arms again, looking blankly at the concrete  
When he reaches her he stops and grins down at her, "hey"  
She doesn't answer  
"I said motherfuckin HEY" he says, leaning down and smacking her hard in the back of the head  
She winces and puts a hand to the place on the back of her head that he just hit but she still says nothing  
"Baby girl..." he says, all soft and sickly sweet  
Finally she says, "hey" all quiet and tired  
"What you getting your do onto?" He asks, plopping down on the concrete beside her  
She moves away from him, wrinkling her little nose and glaring at him  
"Nothing" she says coldly  
"You be doin a whole lotta nothin lately huh" he says  
"Yeah" she says  
Her one word answers are quiet and emotionless like the only reason she's even speaking is because she doesn't feel like getting hit again  
"makes a lotta sense, since ya nothin" he says  
She winces but quickly disguises it  
She doesn't answer him  
"What, not even gonna defend yourself? Oh little sister you be reachin obscene levels of pathetic, you be up and bringin tears to my eyes"  
She scoffs a little and hunches her shoulders and curls more into herself, "if you're crying over someone so pathetic, doesn't that make you ever more pathetic?" She asks, keeping her eyes on the ground to her side  
He narrows his eyes and anger flashes on his face but it's gone as quickly as it came  
"Oh don't be gettin your mope on baby girl, you ain't nothin to me" he says, slinging his arm around her shoulders and pulling her to lean against him  
She stiffens but doesn't pull away  
"I don't need to be anything to you" she says  
"Oh baby girl but I'm all you got, all them other motherfuckers don't give a fuck bout you, and why would they, you be up and gettin more and more useless every motherfuckin day"  
"Stop" she says quietly  
"What? I just be tellin the truth sis, what you want from me, thought you liked all them truths so I'm given you some truths. You ain't worth anything to no one but me, don't be thinkin you are"  
"I don't" she says  
"Good girl" he says, patting her back  
She flinches away from his touch, "don't fucking touch me" she says harshly  
"What the motherfuck you just say to me?" He asks, turning to look at her  
"Baby girl you best be grateful a me, nobody else be wantin you" he says, shoving her and causing her to hit back against the wall  
"Stop it" she says, her voice more filled with emotion than before  
"And why the motherfuck would they after what you all up and done" he says, shoving her again but harder this time  
"Please stop it" she says, choking on her words, pleading  
He grabs her shirt and shakes her roughly  
"You ain't nothin but a dirty little sister killer, get that through ya thick head" he says  
"Stop Gamzee" she says and the words barely come out formed  
"Oh sister, little pitch sister, I ain't never gonna be stoppin"  
He moves to be face to face with her and holds her tightly and possessively  
"You can be worth fuckin something to me though" he says and he puts his hands on her sides  
She jerks away but he keeps hold of her, "no, don't touch me" she says  
"Oh baby girl don't be doin that" he says  
"I said don't touch me" she snaps, pushing hard against his chest with her hands  
"Shh shh shh come on baby girl, shush" he says, taking her face in his hands and shushing her gently  
"Don't fucking touch me!" She yells and she kicks and hits him hard  
He's caught off guard and instinctively grabs her wrists to stop her from hitting him  
After some struggle he gets her pinned against the wall by her wrists tucked between them  
He leans in close to her and she tries to move away but her head hits the wall  
"You best be motherfuckin grateful bitch. You're fucking useless for anything else" he says, shaking her hard by the wrists  
She puts her hands in his and tries to pull them off of her  
"Stop!" She yells but he ignores her  
"You're fuckin useless you hear me, useless!" he yells  
"Gamzee stop!" She yells again but he continues to ignore her  
"Motherfuckin worthless stupid little bitch!" he yells, shoving her hard against the wall  
Her head hits the wall hard and you wince  
She makes a small sound of pain and surprise and clutches her head  
He is standing now and he looks down at her with the kind of disgust one would reserve for a piece of garbage laying in the road  
"You ain't worth nothin, remember that next time" he says and then he turns and walks back down the hallway like nothing even happened  
She sits there for a while just staring at nothing until numbly she smooths out her hair and takes the hood of her dragon cape, pulling it up over her head  
Then there's something else you can barely see, something pale blue and transparent taking form beside her like crystals building up in a tessellation  
You realize that it's taking the form of a person and as it develops you realize that that person is Vriska  
When she has fully come into view she's slightly transparent and flickering  
"He's right, you know" she says  
Her voice sounds strange and warped and you think immediately that this isn't really Vriska  
"I know" Terezi says quietly  
"You're fucking pathetic you know that" she says, the casual cruelty in her tone sharp and wrong  
This isn't Vriska, this is what Terezi is imagining her to say  
She knows her so well she can even work in her underlying personality  
Still, even knowing Vriska you don't think she would say these things, at least not to Terezi  
"I know" Terezi says again and it's kind of force now like she's speaking through beared teeth  
"I mean look at you, you're not the little sever of justice you used to be. It's funny, I told you someday you would do something terrible and never be able to take it back no matter how much you want to and then you would finally know what it's like to be me but you neeeeeeeever listened to me. Well now you know, it feels pretty shitty right? I know, it's what you deserve" she says  
"I know okay I know just shut up and leave me alone" Terezi snaps  
"Oh sister sister, little baby sister, I'm never going to leave you alone. You made me when you killed me, now you have to deal with the consequences" Vriska says  
Before Terezi can respond she speaks again, "I'll always be here with you, so I guess you'll never really be alone, even when he leaves you" she says  
"Shut up!" Terezi yells and just like that Vriska is gone  
Terezi has her face pressed against her knees and she's shaking  
"I know, you don't have to tell me what I already know. I know I deserve it"  
There's a pause, "I deserve all of it"


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terezi throws up and John feels sick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said before this gets more violent with each chapter so please make sure you read the tags

You stumble into the next bubble just like last time and dry off with crystallization  
You're in another hallway, this one even darker than the last  
Just as your eyes adjust you pick out movement from the end of the hallway and make out a small figure in a red cape and  
As they get closer you see that that person is Terezi  
She is walking heel to foot running her left hand along the concrete wall and staring down at her bare feet  
It must be at least a year later than before as her hair is longer and her face is sharper but she still has those chubby cheeks. Her little red glasses are perched on her small nose but her face is mostly hidden by the hood of her dragon cape  
From down the hall there is no noise this time but you see him and you want to warn her but you know you can't, this is just a memory  
And so you are forced to watch him approach her from behind, feeling sicker the closer he gets to her  
When he gets within a distance to touch her you see the slight change in her movement that indicates that she knows he's there  
She takes a small breath hunches her shoulders and runs but with little effort Gamzee grabs the hood of her cape and pulls her back  
She stumbles and falls hard to the ground in her already bruised knees, "aw aw aw, where the motherfuck you think you're goin, little sister?" He asks, leaning down to look at her and tipping his head in question  
She's on her knees with her hands pressed to the concrete and her head hanging  
Gamzee doesn't say anything, he just watches her like he wants to see what she's going to do  
Finally through shallow breaths she says "what do you want?"  
It's quiet but strong and you know that he hears it  
"What, can't I just all up and come to see my baby girl" he asks  
She curls her hands into fists on the ground and grits her teeth, "no, you can't, just leave me the fuck alone"  
He circles around to face him and turns her head away from him, sitting up on her knees  
He squats nests to her and she stiffens but it's not until he puts a large bony knuckled hand on her shoulder that she says, "don't touch me" and shrugs his hand off roughly  
He feigns hurt, "aww now little sister why you gotta be like that?" He asks, like she's the one that's being unreasonable  
She digs her fingers into her arms and hugs herself tighter, "just go away Gamzee"  
"Aw baby girl c'mer" he says and then he's pulling her to him in a hug  
She struggles but he just tightens his arms around her until she goes still  
Still, looking at it, it doesn't seem like a comforting hug, more like just a way to restrain her  
"I said go the fuck away" she says but it's muffled by Gamzee's shirt  
He pats her back and she flinches and he looks down at her with all this fake caring, "what's all up and gettin ya down sis?"  
"Fuck off" she responds  
"Well I would if you weren't all up and gettin your sad on"  
"I said fuck off, let go of me"  
"Not till you tell me what's all on the up and up" he says  
She doesn't answer  
"You gonna talk or what girl?" He asks, moving to lift her head  
"I said don't fucking touch me!" She yells and she shoves him hard in the chest  
He isn't expecting it and he tumbles back just barely catching himself and then he's looking at her with that same anger as before  
She's still kneeling on the ground and you see that her knees are cut up from where she fell earlier  
She looks worse than you've ever seen her, even when she insisted that she could bring Karkat back while bleeding out herself, but she's holding her ground, she isn't crying and the only thing on her face is tiredness and determination  
She is obviously used to this, unlike the Terezi you saw in the last memory, because when he moves she jumps out of his reach but he still catches her in the chest with a hard shove  
She catches herself on her elbows and looks up at him just as he shoves her hard to the ground and holds her there, hands on her shoulders knees on either side of her  
She struggles but he just presses harder on her shoulders in a way that must be painful and forces her arms away from where they cover her face  
"Shh shh shh, come on now baby girl, come on" he says and eventually she just stops struggling  
She lays there with her eyes squeezed shut, breathing hard, and he doesn't budge from his place on top of her  
"Now what's all up and in ya trunk, little spade?"  
"Leave me alone"  
He ignores her but puts his hand to the side of her head, stroking her hair and running it along one chubby cheek, wiping at the tears that smudged under her glasses  
When he comes to her lips he slips one finger under her chin and tilts her head up  
"Look at me" he says  
When she doesn't respond he shakes her roughly by the hair  
"I said motherfuckin look at me" he yells, grabbing the glasses off her face and throwing them to the side  
When she opens her eyes both you and Gamzee have about the same reaction to the tired, yellow, very seeing eyes underneath  
He stares at her and she stares back with misery on her face  
"What the fuck did you do baby girl?" He asks  
She looks at him and laughs so unhappily it hurts you  
"What you told me to"  
He growls  
"I didn't up an tell you to do nothin sister"  
"Really, was it not you that told me I was a worthless stupid sightless bitch"  
"You know I ain't be meanin to fix your fuckin eyes"  
"What, can't look me in the eyes?" She asks  
"Baby girl..." He warns  
"You're the one who's always telling me, be a good girl, do what you say. Well this is what you get"  
"Shut up" he says  
"Go ahead, look me in the eyes, do it"  
"I said shut the fuck up!" He yells  
She just looks at him sadly and smiles  
"That's what I thought"  
He grabs her face roughly and runs his thumb over her bruised skin "why would you do this baby spade?" He asks  
She doesn't answer  
The whole time she keeps a straight face that is until he runs his finger up her chin and brushes over her lips with the pad of his thumb  
She's fast and you find yourself entirely unsurprised when she bites down hard on his hand with her little sharp teeth  
He curses and pulls his hand back  
He sucks on his hand, nursing his wound for a minute before he turns back to her and all of the false caring is gone  
He hits her once, hard across the face and she must see it coming because she turns her head away and squeezes her eyes shut  
You wince at the action, it must have hurt but she doesn't cry out, she just lays there in silence, breathing quietly through her now bloody lips  
He fists his hand in the hair on the side of her head and yanks her head to the side, forcing her to look at him  
She just glares  
He shakes her by the hair and she grits her teeth but doesn't make a sound  
"You gonna gimme a motherfuckin answer?" he yells and you flinch at the change in volume  
He's loud as fuck and quite honestly terrifying  
You don't know how Terezi is keeping a straight face  
You think she must be used to it and then you feel sick  
This isn't right, you know this can't be right, this isn't anything like what Karkat told you  
He yells again, voice almost painful, "motherfuckin answer me, bitch"  
She answers with a quirk of her bloody lips and then she has spit blood and saliva onto his face  
He curses and wipes at his scarred face and you see a rage you've never seen before on him  
Everything in you screams for you to run in there and get Terezi out of there but you know that they can't see you, you can't do anything, this is a memory  
But still you grit your teeth as he hits her again  
She still stays silent, keeping her eyes locked on his  
Finally after a pause she opens her mouth to speak and the words come out through wetness of blood on her lips, "you want to know why?" and then she's spit blood and saliva in his face  
After that it's just a blur and you have to force yourself not to close your eyes  
At some point she puts her arms up to protect her face  
It doesn't work  
After what must be at least six other blows to her face and her upper body, multiple slamming of her head against the ground and more screaming on his part she is left still lying there in silence as he breathes heavily, teal blood staining his hands  
Without a word he moves from where he's hunched over her to a kneeling position. He moves off of her and without a sound she just lays there looking at nothing and moves her arms to hug herself loosely and tips her head to the side  
After a minute of silence he speaks, voice back to his normal scratchy uneven drawl, "c'mon baby girl, ya can't go back to those motherfuckers all like this"  
She doesn't move or say anything, she doesn't even move her eyes  
"Baby girl come the fuck on, it's not like they gonna miss you, never do"  
She doesn't even flinch like she did at the cruel words before, she just stares tiredly at the ground  
He sighs and grabs her by the shirt and the front of her cape and hauls her to her feet  
He keeps hold of her and you're almost thankful for it because by the way she sways you don't know if she could have stayed steady on her own and you know she wouldn't want to show that weakness  
He keeps his arm tightly around her and looks down at her, "c'mon now, little spade" he says, moving to guide her with him but she stays firmly planted where she is  
"C'mon" he says and it's an order this time, an impatient one  
She doesn't look at him but she says, "fuck off"  
With that he exasperatedly grabs her upper arm and yanks her forward  
She stumbles slightly but then digs her heels into the ground, pulling him to a halt  
He looks back at her in annoyance, "I said come the fuck on"  
She doesn't answer but she lifts her eyes to meet his  
"What ya gonna do, go back? Ya know you can't be doin that lookin like this" he says  
She keeps her eyes on his, "maybe you shouldn't have beat the shit out of me then"  
"Maybe you shouldn't a made me, you were bein fuckin disrespectful, aint gonna let that shit slide baby girl you know that"  
"Yeah, I know"  
"Then come the fuck on"  
He growls and yanks her forward so roughly that she looses her footing and falls hard to the ground, one hand pressed to the ground one held up by the wrist  
"You know what, you deserve to lay here like the motherfuckin garbage you are, gettin your see on ain't done nothin to change that" and there's a slight pause before he finishes with "sister killer"  
He spits the words at her like the most cruel thing you've ever heard and lets go of her wrist, causing her to fall on her elbow, just barely catching herself from hitting the ground  
He kicks her and she makes a small sound of pain and then she's fully on the ground and he kicks again, once twice three times, and then he's walking away from where she's curled up in on herself on the ground  
She just lays there for a moment before slowly pushing herself into a kneeling position with a lot of effort and shaking breathing  
Holding her stomach where he kicked her she pushes herself to her feet  
She sways a little and stumbles but she catches herself against a corner of the wall and leans her weight into it  
She squeezes her eyes shut and bites her lip, doubling over and vomiting on the floor  
She retches until there is nothing left in her stomach and she stands there shaking, tears running down her cheeks  
She slides down the wall and lets her body drop back against the corner, avoiding the puddle of puke  
With sore looking slow movements she reaches up and pulls the hood of her cape down over her face  
She wraps the cape tightly around herself and hugs her knees to her chest  
When she speaks it's so quiet and muffled by the close proximity of all the cape material you almost don't hear it but you do, barely  
She says it quietly in a tired hoarse voice that sounds like she's on the verge of crying  
Somehow the thought of her crying makes you feel like everything would be lost  
"Vriska...if you can hear me..." And she trails off for a second and there's a muffled sound that you think must be her trying to hold back crying, "I'm sorry"  
And then she can't hold it back anymore and she lets out a terrible muffled sob that she burrows in her crossed arms "I deserve it all" she says through her shaking breath  
She digs her fingers into where they wrap around her knees and through it you barely make out a choked, "I'm so sorry. You were right. I want to take it back. I want to take it back more than anything. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry"  
And then everything around you begins to shimmer and ripple and you know well enough by now that your time in this memory is up, with one last look at Terezi, sitting silently curled in the corner now, you force yourself to look away and step through the wall of the dream bubble  
You don't know how much more of this you can take


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose is drunk off her ass, Terezi is a faygo sticky sad sack, John feels even sicker and everyone learns something they didn't know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, violence and drunkenness

By this time you're used to it so when you cross into the next dream bubble you prepare yourself for the darkness of the meteor hallways but when your feet hit solid ground you don't find yourself in darkness but surrounded by it. You're on the roof of the lab and you can see the vast expanse l the void of space stretch out in front of you  
It feels almost like when you used to sit on the top of the ship and watch the space pass you by  
You're so distracted that you don't even notice her right away until she comes into your line of sight  
She's alone on the roof, walking in the middle of the void. She stops at the edge of the roof and looks out into the empty space all around her and then down at her bare feet with her now seeing eyes. There's a faded dark blue stain on the concrete beneath them  
She hangs her head and drops to the ground, pulling her knees up to her chest and hugging them to her. She keeps her dragon hood pulled down over her face and her thick black hair moves lightly in the solar winds  
She's alone, no Gamzee in sight, and you think that maybe you can talk to her  
You walk over and carefully sit down beside her, making sure to avoid the blue stained concrete. Of course she doesn't see you but from here you can see her much better. She's gotten older, she looks like she must be 16 by now, her chubby cheeks have thinned although only a bit and her nose has sharpened. But the most marked differences are the bruises and scars. There's healing bruising around her left eye and shiny purple scars on her lip and cheek and forehead. She looks tired, like she hasn't slept in years, and you think maybe she hasn't.  
Beside you she sighs and summons her syladex, a bright explosion of color in the air between you, from which she pulls a bottle of liquid. When she has it in her hands you see that it's a bottle of grape faygo  
She rests her chin on her knees and looks at the bottle for a long time before cracking the lid and downing a quarter of the bottle in one go. When she takes the bottle from her sticky lips she's shaking and tears are beginning to drip from her eyes  
She takes a shaky breath and downs another quarter of the bottle  
She comes up coughing and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand  
You watch her as she looks out at space and quickly finishes the bottle  
Another follows, and another, and soon she is curled with her knees to her chest holding her fourth bottle loosely in her sticky hands  
You feel sick and you think she must too  
This isn't Terezi, this can't be her  
Never when you talked to the little troll girl who was so obnoxiously cunning and manipulative but still good hearted and endearing did you think of this  
You never thought this could happen to her  
Of all people you never thought she could become this, you never thought she could break like this  
But here she sits in front of you just like that, broken  
Hesitantly you reach out and put your hand on her arm to see if she can feel you  
She doesn't seem to but she stills and lifts her head  
It wasn't you she felt, it was someone else  
Just like her you don't even bother turning around, you already know who it is  
You were wrong  
It's not Gamzee who comes to sit with you but Rose and you can tell and smell right away that she's off her ass drunk  
"Heeey Tezi" she says, plopping down across from you and Terezi  
Terezi doesn't even look up  
Rose is smiling and swaying and holding a bottle of wine that she keeps spilling as she sways from side to side  
"You okey?" Rose asks, leaning into Terezi's personal space  
"I'm fine" she says  
Rose sits back and looks sad, "pls don be mab at me, Dave sis already mab an ne"  
"I'm not mad at you" Terezi says quietly  
"Them ehats wrongfss??" Rose asks  
"Nothing Rose"  
"Awn can on, teeeellll meee"  
"No, there's nothing to tell"  
"Why you drivkin that?" She asks, pointing to the faygo  
Terezi stiffens and then shrugs, "I don't know, why are you drinking that?" She asks, motioning to the wine  
Rose holds up the bottle and looks at it like she didn't even realize she was holding it  
"Own this thning? Wll my mom usd to to dribk theses and I mess her ya know so, why not dribk"  
Terezi is silent  
"Nkay so I asnswered yur questone now yoo answer mine" Rose slurs  
Terezi just takes a swig of faygo  
"Im a seers inc cab figur it out ewen if you don telled to me" she says  
"I don't care what you do" Terezi says  
"Obkay so hur is mine theyoree it sokay I'm therepast I know what I do to do"  
She smiles and Terezi keeps her eyes on the ground  
"Sobe, yur drivkin that purple soda nasty stuff cause Gamzeez got you hooked on it"  
"Very perceptive" Terezi says flatly  
"Oh dobt freak out beeteedubs u already knew he told me when's it's starteded" Rose assures  
"Yeah, I know"  
"Yous do? Oh that's goods so now I can be real auspistfish to you"  
"You're our auspistice?" Terezi asks, looking legitimately confused  
"Hecks yeah, probs not doin too good at it but yeas"  
"Well, thanks so much for all your help" Terezi says  
"Ooohhh yur welcombe teareazi" Rose says, too drunk to catch the sarcasm  
There's silence for a moment before Terezi speaks again  
"So if you're our auspistice what are you doing?"  
"Imb keepin yous from fightin and hurting each other's and stuffs" Rose says  
"Oh, well I guess that explains it" Terezi says, letting out a breath of humorless laughter  
"Esexplains what?" Rose asks  
"Why he gets away with beating me every day"  
Roses hazy purple eyes go wide, "whaaatsss? He beats you? I thought you would always be the one winnings over him" she says  
Terezi is silent for a while before sighing, "...yeah"  
"But yur smarter than hem" Rose says, "oh waits, am not supposed to play favs, oopses, surry"  
Terezi shrugs, "it's okay, I don't care"  
"Wall I do, so whatz these?" Rose asks, leaning in to poke a bruise on Terezi's cheek  
Terezi flinches and pulls away, "it's nothing, don't touch me" she says harshly  
Rose looks upset and immediately pulls her hand back, "oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"  
"Hurt me? Yeah, wish I could say the same for Gamzee" Terezi says  
Rose frowns and looks at her a long time and then begins to mover her finger in the air and count off under her breath  
When her finger lands over the bruise on Terezi's cheek her eyes go wide and there seems to be real pain on her face  
"No..." she says  
"Yeah" Terezi sighs  
Rose makes a face like she's going to cry and puts her face in her hands  
Terezi glances at her but stays silent  
When Rose lifts her head she runs her hand through her mess of pale hair and wipes at her smudged makeup before leaning towards Terezi  
"Terezi..."  
"It's okay" Terezi says quietly  
"Noes, no no it's not" Rose says  
Terezi turns to her and she looks so tired, "it's okay Rose, I'm okay with it"  
Rose's bottom lip starts to shake and she shakes her head causing strands of pale hair to stick to her smudged black lipstick, "no no no I I was supsposed to stop this"  
Terezi shakes her head, "you couldn't stop this even if you had tried, no one can"  
Rose looks like she's about to cry, "but he si hurtsing you"  
Terezi shrugs, "yeah, I know"  
"Than lat me hep" Rose says, stereotypical anime tears starting to fall from her hazy purple eyes  
Terezi shakes her head again, "no, but thanks. I think you need to take care of yourself before you try take care of anyone else"  
"Whads thet supspsed to men?" Rose asks  
"It means you have your own problems and-" she's cut off by a sound on the other side of the roof and they both turn to look at the door as Gamzee's tall figure climbs out  
"You should go" Terezi finishes, her eyes locked on Gamzee  
"Bu I don-" Rose starts but Terezi puts her hand on her shoulder and turns to look at her, "Rose, please" she says. It's strong, insistent, but it's also a plea  
Rose looks stressed and glances between Terezi and the approaching form of Gamzee  
Then she makes a determined face and shakes her head, "noes way" and she puts her hand on Terezi's shoulder  
Terezi opens her mouth to say something but Gamzee interrupts when he comes to stand in front of them  
"hey baby girl" he says, smiling down at her  
His eyes flick over to Rose and you can't read what's on his face but the smile he still wears make you uneasy  
"Hey sis" he says, nodding to Rose  
She narrows her bleary purple eyes at him and moves slightly between him and Terezi  
"Hey gamzee" Terezi says in response, not meeting his eyes  
"What are my two favorite seers all up and to?" He asks, pushing his hands in the pockets of his loose polka dot pants and rocking on his heels  
"Just talking" Terezi says  
"Bout what?" He asks, that unnerving smile still on his face  
"Nothing"  
"Well you ain't be talkin bout nothin that ain't no talkin then" he says  
"What are you doing?" Terezi counters  
"Just hangin around, thought I'd come find my baby girl, we could up an get our hang on" he says  
"Thanks but I don't feel like hanging out with an asshole" Terezi says  
"Well why not?" He asks, tipping his head to the side with this false questioning face  
"Because I don't feel like it, I'm tired, you're a dick and I don't want to talk to you" she snaps  
"Aw now baby that's bit harsh, here, Ima help you up an get your wake on" he says  
"No, just leave me alone, I'll talk to you later" she says  
He narrows his eyes at her and glances between her and Rose  
"Well maybe seer sister here would like to join us, we could up an have some fun" he says, emphasizing the last word with a pointed look at Terezi  
You don't really understand but she must because she glares at him and glances at Rose, who is only half aware of what's going on  
"No" Terezi says  
"Wha'd you say to me?" He asks, warning lacing his voice  
"I said no"  
"Oh baby girl you know better than to be doin that by now" he says  
"I know no such thing" she says, not backing down and holding eye contact  
"Well that's a damn shame, guess I gotta be up an teachin ya again" he says  
"Seer sister can learn to" he says, grinning and looking from Rose to Terezi  
Terezi stiffens and keeps eye contact with him for a long pause before seeming to decide something  
"Rose, you should go find Dave" Terezi says, eyes still locked on Gamzee  
"But dav is mab at me" Rose says, looking worried  
"He's not mad, he's just worried about you, go find him"  
Rose bites her lip and glances between Gamzee and Terezi  
"But-"  
"Rose, please" Terezi says, looking at her with a strange amount of pleading in her eyes  
Rose seems to recognize it even in her drunken state and though she's still hesitant she finally nods  
"Okay, you should come down later though" Rose says  
When Terezi doesn't answer Rose turns and walks passed Gamzee and disappears into the darkness below  
Both Gamzee and Terezi watch her go and Terezi keeps her eyes down when he turns to face her  
"So what was you chattin bout with sister seer?" He asks  
She shrugs, crossing her arms over her chest "nothing, it doesn't matter"  
"Don't be lyin to me girl" he warns  
"I'm not" she says weakly but it sounds like she's just too tired to care  
His face twists in anger and quicker than you can even process he's grabbed her by the shirt and yanked her onto her feet  
"You lyin to me?" he asks, shaking her roughly  
She puts her hands over his and tries to pull them off of her but Gamzee doesn't move  
"I'm not lying you asshole, let go of me"  
"Not till you up and be tellin the truth, now what were ya talkin about cause it ain't no nothin, you talkin about us? what we got goin on here?"  
"No" she says quietly  
"You lyin!" He yells and smacks her hard in the side of her head  
"Ow what the fuck Gamz" she says, pressing a hand to her head and glaring up at him  
"Were you fuckin talking with her bout us. You better fuckin answer me bitch and don't be lyin or I swear ima beat you bloody"  
She laughs a little, cold and humorless but she doesn't seem to care, "we both know you're going to do that anyway"  
He growls, "you better watch yourself baby girl, now spit it or you gonna regret it"  
"Yeah, we were talking about it, is that what you wanna hear? She asked about my face"  
He doesn't answer he just hits her hard across the face  
She stumbles back, stunned, and he takes the advantage to kick her to the ground  
She lands hard in the blue stained concrete and looks up  
"What the hell Gamzee!?" She yells  
"I told you to be keepin your little mouth shut bout this"  
"You're the one who told her about it first you ass!" she counters  
He bears his teeth and kicks her, "fuckin disrespectful little bitch, after all the shit I do for you"  
"What the hell did you ever do for me?" She asks  
He kicks her hard again "don't be talkin back" he says  
She coughs some blood and tries to push herself up but he kicks her down as soon as she does  
Terezi is shaking but without seeing her face you can't tell with what  
Then she turns to glare up at him through the blood on her face and bears her teeth  
"Fuck you" she spits, blood and saliva landing at his dirty bare feet  
This accomplished pretty much exactly what you thought it would and what Terezi must have known it would And then he's kicking her again  
He comes to stand over her where she's now in the center of the stain on the concrete and he knows it and he's gonna make sure she does too  
"You're fuckin nothing" he growls as he kicks her again  
"Look at you, layin here on the stain you made, the stain of your goddamn sin"  
Terezi doesn't answer and he kicks her again "you proud a that baby girl, huh, cause I am"  
He drops down to his nees and grabs her hair roughly, leaning down so he can growl something in her ear  
"You killed her cause a me, you know? You killed her cause you weak, you think you got such steel trap mind well think a fucking gain sister"  
"What?" Terezi coughs through the blood on her lips  
He laughs and the cruelty of it makes you wince "stupid little bitch, ya still don't get it"  
"Get what?" Terezi asks, trying to push herself up but he just shoves her back down  
"You up and caused it, you fuckin cause it cause you a weak, stupid little bitch. You think you're so fuckin special, so fuckin smart well guess what baby girl, I been controllin you from the motherfuckin start"  
"What do you mean" she growls, trying to pull his hands from her hair but to no avail  
"I'm up an meanin that you be fuckin weak minded, you like to think you're strong but you ain't, why you think you ended up on that roof, why you think you felt such rage, huh, wha'd your sister ever do to get that from you, but you killed her anyways didn't you. You been thinkin about it every day since haven't ya, what you up an did"  
Her eyes widen, "you were the one...you lead me there" she says  
"Congrats baby girl, bout time you figured it out" he says, patting her cheek  
She flinches away and pulls out of his grip  
She's breathing heavily and there's anger on her face now  
"You're the reason Vriska's dead...you...you made me kill her" she says almost unbelieving  
He laughs and shakes his head, "oh no baby, not that, that was all you, I just got you where you needed to be" he says, ruffling her hair  
"Don't touch me" she yells, pushing away from him  
"I fucking cried when I thought you were dead, you know that" she says, shaking, "you used to be my friend"  
"Aw baby girl don't be gettin all sentimental with me" he says, reaching out to touch her cheek  
She slaps his hand away  
"I said DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME" she yells  
He narrows his eyes at her  
"You better fuckin watch it baby girl, I be touching what I wanna touch when I wanna"  
"You don't fucking own me" she spits  
He raises his eyebrows and shoves her hard to the ground knocking the air out of her and then he's on top of her, pinning her down  
"Oh really? I can't touch you? I don't own you? You ain't got no idea baby girl" he leans down to whisper in her ear, taking hold of her hair so tight she bites her lip and squeezes her eyes shut in an attempt not to make a sound, "you mine, ain't nothin you can do about it, nothin" he says  
"Fuck you, I'm not yours" she spits  
"Oh you mine baby girl, you my pet, my little play thing, I do what I want with you and you do what the fuck I say, ya hear?"  
"No! Fuck off you half baked clown, I'm not your pet, I'm not your play thing, I'm not yours and I never will be, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!" She screams and it's so loud it seems to tear through the thick silence of the void  
He actually looks taken aback for a moment and she keeps her eyes unmoving on his, breathing hard  
You both know what's coming  
He grabs her by the hair and shakes her roughly  
"I can't touch you huh!?" He screams  
"Let go!" She yells, putting her hands up to cover his and trying to pull them off her  
"You think I can't touch you, you little bitch!?"  
"Get off me!"  
"Oh I know you ain't be ordering me, ya ain't got no right, sister, no motherfuckin right. I do the tellin you do the listnen, motherfuckin get it?" He yells, tightening his hold on her hair and forcing her head back to look down at her  
She isn't even fazed "NO! I said get the fuck OFF!" She yells, spitting at him again  
Blood and spit land on his scarred face and he screams in rage  
You close your eyes, you know you at least owe it to her to not look away but you just can't watch what you know is about to happen  
She keeps her mouth shut after that which is impressive considering how violent the attacks sound but eventually she's pleading through bloody lips, asking him to stop, but he doesn't, not until she stops talking all together  
You don't know how long it lasts but when you open your eyes and lower your hands Gamzee is gone  
Terezi is curled on the ground, her face a mess of teal  
You take a sharp breath and run, dropping to your knees beside her  
She's not conscious  
You shake her, or try to, but your hands just pass through her body  
"Shit, Terezi, oh fuck, oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck" you say, your breath quickening  
She doesn't move  
Instead the air around you changes, heats and warms and then you can't breath  
When you look up, you're surrounded by the heat of lava and the sound of fighting  
Terezi is gone and when you turn your head you see her from behind, swords in her hands and a red blindfold over her eyes, and in front of her, facing your way, is Gamzee  



	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit goes down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is really violent so warning

The air is heavy and suddenly you can't breath  
The sounds around you are muted, distant  
Your ears ring and then everything snaps painfully into focus  
Terezi is screaming and Gamzee is just standing there with an unfocused smile on his face, purple blood dripping from the side of his mouth  
"Did you really think that you could commit your crimes!? That you could deceive me" her voice cracks, "debase me...make me feel like...rancid circus trash!" Terezi screams  
Gamzee doesn't answer  
"Answer me!" She screams and swings her double swords  
Purple blood splatters as she plunges the blade into his chest and drops of blood land on your glasses and face  
He still doesn't say anything, he just smiles  
"I said answer me! Fight back!" She screams as tears begin to pour down her face and stain her cheeks teal  
"Fight back, I said fight back!"  
She stops and her breath is hitched, tears now soaking her red blindfold  
"What!?" She says, laughing on the verge of hysterical making her whole body shake, "now of all times you can't bring yourself to raise a hand to me!?"  
He just keeps smiling  
"Uhg stop smiling!" She screams, or sobs more like  
She slashes and purple blood splatters on the concrete around you  
"Why won't you answer me! Why won't you fight back!?" She sobs, breathing heavily  
"Why won't you just die!?" She sobs  
In the background there's a sound like thunder that shakes everything and a flash of pink like lighting  
Gamzee stiffens and his face suddenly changes, his eyes go wide and pain passed over his scarred face  
He looks at Terezi with confusion  
"What...Terezi" he says  
He looks down, touching his hands to the wetness of blood on his chest  
He looks back up at her with what almost looks like fear in his fevered eyes, "Terezi...please stop...you're hurting me"  
Terezi stiffens and starts to shake, her lips forming silent words and her head shaking  
She looks at him and then down at her bloody swords and the blood around her feet  
"Oh god..." She says  
"Oh god what have I done"  
Her swords clatter to the bloody concrete and your ears ring  
"I...I'm sorry" she says, stumbling forward and reaching a hand out to him  
"I'm so sorry" she chokes  
He stills and looks at her and then his face slowly morphs into a smile that sends fear through your whole body  
Terezi seems to sense it just as he opens his mouth, and she moves to step back just as he screams  
"HOOOOOOOOOOOONK"  
You cover your ears and stumble back, pain going through your whole body  
Gamzee lunges forward and punches Terezi, sending her hard to the blood sticky concrete  
She doesn't have time to say anything as he grabs her and hauls her up on her feet  
He fists his hand in her hair and slams her head back, smashing her face into the concrete  
It's a blur of blood and violence and this time you can't move, you can't look away  
Your eyes blur and you can't breath, you can't feel anything  
You hear him screaming and her pleading for him to stop  
There's a voice, heard over the noise that you recognize as Rose  
"This has to stop!"  
There's a sound like thunder and a light momentarily blinds you  
When your vision clears Terezi has stumbled back out of Gamzee's grasp and right off the edge of the broken concrete  
She screams and suddenly you can't breath again and everything is ringing  
Gamzee launches forward and he grabs her hand, catching her small hand in his  
She hangs there looking up at him, holding tightly to his hand sticky with her own blood and he yanks her back up onto the concrete  
She stumbles as her feet touch the bloody pavement and tries to pull away but he has hold of her wrist tight enough to bruise  
She reaches for the sword she discarded on the ground but he yanks her back and locks his arm around her neck  
Her hands go up to clutch at the arm around her neck and she struggles violently  
"Hey asshole!"  
You turn to see Karkat and Kanaya standing on the other side of the concrete shore, weapons drawn  
"Let her go!" Karkat screams  
Gamzee responds by laughing in a way that makes you cringe and flipping him off  
"I'm serious, I'm done, fucking done, we're not gonna hug it out this time, I'm not making excuses for you anymore, LET HER GO!"  
He runs forward and Kanaya follows, her feet hitting the other side of the concrete before his  
His eyes are locked on Gamzee as he races forward passed Kanaya and jumps  
Gamzee grins and laughs as he throws Terezi back onto the pavement, now focused only on Karkat  
He leans down without moving his eyes from Karkat and wraps his bloody fingers around Terezi's discarded sword  
It happens before you can even open your mouth  
He grabs onto Karkat, the sword is drawn back and plunged forward, one time, two times, and then he shoves him back  
Karkat falls off the edge of the pavement and Terezi screams so loud you cringe  
Kanaya stops running, and watches Karkat fall, mouth open but making no sound  
When he's gone her eyes feel with tears and she grits her teeth, looking up at Gamzee with more anger than you've ever seen in her  
She screams and you cover your ears  
Kanaya jumps forward and Gamzee greets her with a grin just as her chainsaw comes down on his head, right between his horns  
Purple blood explodes everywhere and Kanaya is still screaming which is met by Terezi's sob as she puts up her arms to block the blood splattering all over her  
Gamzee's body falls in two pieces on either side of Kanaya and she stands there panting, looking down at the gore  
She looks up at Terezi and steps forward over the body, offering her hand  
Terezi is still shaking with sobs but she takes her hand and let's Kanaya pull her up  
Kanaya pulls her into her arms and holds her tight and Terezi clings to her, sobbing into her shoulder  
There's a flash of light, Kanaya and Terezi both look up and then Kanaya is shoving Terezi back just as the light hits her body  
You watch her turn to broken crystals and ash and Rose's scream cuts through the thick air  
At the source of the light you see a girl that looks like Vriska but plumper and with short hair and a wide grin  
Terezi looks at where Kanaya was just standing and let's a scream like sob tear from her body  
She reaches out blindly, wrapping her bloody fingers around the sword that Gamzee discarded and jumps up  
Then she's screaming and running at the girl  
The girl just laughs, reaches out her hand and Terezi stops in place, unable to move  
The girl flicks her hand making Terezi turn the blade of the sword to face her own body  
The girl grins as she clenches her fist and Terezi plunges the sword into her own chest  
You scream as she falls, hitting the ground hard  
She pushes herself up and screams, grabbing the sword and yanking it from her chest  
Everything blurs as her scream matches yours and your vision breaks, shatters, and everything goes black


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terezi makes good on a promise and so does John

When you open your eyes everything is a haze, pink tinted and warm  
When your vision focuses you realize that you're looking up at a canopy of pink leaves  
You sit up and look around, groaning as you do  
You're laying on a bed of blue moss, deep and rich like the teal blood staining the concrete in the last memory  
Pink petals fall around you, landing softly on your skin and you actually feel them, they actually feel real  
You dig your fingers into the moss and water rises up from inside to encase your fingers  
"Hey"  
The voice scares the shit out of you and you jump, pulling your hands from the moss  
In front of you Terezi stands looking down at you with white eyes and face clear of blood  
Her hair looks soft and clean and she is smiling tiredly at you  
She sits down across from you without saying anything and settles in the moss  
You're silent, you don't know what to say to her, what do you say to something like that  
There's really only one thing you can say  
"That was really fucked up" you say, staring at the moss in front of you  
She laughs a little and sighs, "yeah, it was"  
You look up at her  
"Is that really what kismesissitude is?"  
She bites her lip but doesn't answer  
"Terezi...I can't, I can't do that, that's not...I just can't, I'm sorry"  
"That's not what it is" she says  
"Then what is it?"  
"I can't tell you that, you have to learn it yourself" she says  
"But I don't know what I'm doing, Terezi I can't do that...I can't, how could you...how could you let him do that to you?" You ask  
She winces, "look John, I know it was bad, he fucked me up. I know that now but she isn't like me, she can still do this, she can still be happy"  
"But how do you expect me to do this? Before at least I had an idea from what Karkat said but that...I can't do that Terezi" you say  
"You don't have to, that's not...it's not what it is" she says  
"Well that's what it was to you! She's still you, just because she didn't have that experience doesn't make her a different person, she still has the capacity for that"  
"No, that's me, not her, she gets a chance to restart John, a chance to do over all the shit I fucked up...that fucked me up, I just, I want her to be what I couldn't be" she says quietly  
You're silent for a moment, "I understand that, but...you have to understand me too. If you were part of that, how can I be sure our relationship won't turn out like that?" You ask  
"Because, you're not Gamzee" she says  
"Yeah but she's still you, she's still Terezi, and I don't want any of my friends relationships to be that way, especially not one I'm part of"  
"It won't be! I showed you all of this because I wanted to make sure you knew what happened, so you knew how to do it right" she says  
"I can't be him, Terezi!" You say, voice rising  
"I don't want you to be, that was the whole point nerd breath!"  
"Yeah well now that I've seen that the only thing I'll ever be able to think of is you and him, what he did, what you let him do, and I'm going to spend the whole relationship being scared that I could turn into that! I already don't know jack shit about this, it's confusing and weird but this...this is too much! I can't be him, I won't be him, and if I have to not be part of the relationship at all to make sure of that then fine"  
She looks at you with her dead white eyes, barely breathing  
Finally she sighs and looks down at her hands  
"You pity me"  
"What? No, I just-fuck" you shake your head and rub the back of your neck  
"I don't know how to do this" you say  
She takes a deep breath and sighs, bracing her hands against her knees  
"I guess I don't either" she says  
"Yeah...that was...really awful" you say, laughing uncomfortably  
"Yeah...I know" she says, looking down at her hands and rubbing her arm where there's a long healed purple scar across her skin  
She laughs and shakes her head, "I'm sorry you had to see that"  
"No...it's okay I just, I wanted to do something...but I couldn't" you say  
She looks up and raises her eyebrows at you, grinning a little, "you wanted to do something? Oh my gosh Egbert, do you care about me?"  
Your face heats up, "no, I mean yes you're my friend and I care about all my friends but, isn't this supposed to be like...hate? I mean I like you but also you're the most annoying person I've ever met" you say  
She laughs, "actually, that's pretty much the exact definition of kismesissitude"  
"Oh...so this is right, what I'm feeling?" You ask  
She smiles and nods, "I think you know more about it then you think you do"  
"I have literally no idea what I'm doing though" you admit  
"You'll learn. And you're not going to be like him, it's not in you Egbert, and even if it was she wouldn't take it. She'd kick your ass right back"  
"Okay I'd like to see her try, I'm a god tier" you say, lifting your hand and making flower petals rise and swirl around your fingers  
She laughs, "you saw everything that happened to me, I got the shit beat out of me, I got stabbed, and I still kept myself alive long enough to get your ass into gear and save us out of spite and sheer force of will, I don't think you and your flower petals can beat that"  
"Well I guess we'll have to find out then" you say  
She smiles, "so you're going to try?"  
You look down at your hands and bite the inside of your cheek, "yeah, I think so I mean, that was fucked up and I think I'm always going to have it in the back of my mind but I'm not going to let this become like that, I'm going to do it right"  
She grins and claps you hard on the shoulder, "good, that's all I wanted"  
You nod and rub your shoulder, glaring at her  
She just grins back and you think maybe this can work, because she's fucked up just like she said but isn't that the point of this whole thing  
All you know is you're going to do this the right way  
Or you're going to try anyway


End file.
